the judge

He was proud of his position and performance. In his younger years, it did not cross his mind that some day he would be judge. From a shy and withdrawn young man he became an assertive lawyer, hardworking and sharp. The fluency of his speech was outstanding, he won debates which seemed lost in advance. He was determined to win, in order to show the world his abilities, that is to say, to show his mother.

His mother demanded from him and would not encourage. Compliments and appreciation were not part of the education he received and his desire for a good word from his mother became an unceasing urge. It seemed that his mother's body weight was in fact emotional weight she wanted to get rid of and projected on him. The fact that he was the only son did not make it easier. Ignoring her or shaking her off would never be considered. That would be like an emotional suicide for him, and that is why he hold on to his dreams and ambitions, continued to do his best and hoped to hear once in his life: "fantastic son, you were great!" In his dream. He knew that that would never happen, therefore, his fantasy world developed. Not only in order to try to receive a compliment from his mother. He developed a rich and lively world. A world full of pleasures and love. He knew that he would not be able to make his dreams come true, so he looked at his fantasy world as to a curiosity. His real will was non existent. It was already a long time ago that he gave up trying to make his wishes come true. He lived two lives. One life outwardly, a life that his mother wanted him to live and also dictated. And his inner life that was like a book, after you read it you close it and put it aside. No one was part of this inner life. The more he succeeded as a lawyer, the more he became introverted. At night he opened, turned the pages, enjoyed and smiled. However, after several minutes or hours, dependent on his spare time, he closed it. As a diary with a lock. One that no one would discover and in case of discovery, would not be able to open it.

So, next to a successful life as a lawyer, a loyal husband, father and a successful son, he had a hidden life.

What was not hidden, was that his respectable mother possessed an apartment she had purchased in the distanced past. The apartment was usually rented to students. Therefore, he was not surprised that on a fine or not a fine day he was called to the apartment when a student was interested to rent it. The moment he arrived at the apartment and saw the student, he stopped breathing as if hit. For a moment, he stood there frozen, and just the habit of many long years enabled him to function: business as usual. Here stood his fantasy, his dream. He was married and father of two, but before his eyes an image came true, a dream, deeply suppressed. He knew that it was late, too late. Happiness, pain and sorrow embraced him. Sadness about what might have been and what was not and would not be. He knew it was final, it was not even a decision, but a knowledge, an acceptance that he would bear with him until the end of his days. His mother's expectations were like a compass for him. His way in his life was shaped by it. His libido was in her hands. That is how he married his wife and that was it.

But in the depths of his heart he treasured the girl. The pleasant, heart warming fantasy answered his desires. Nobody knew. Nor did she know. No one was able to see his true feelings, nor would they guess them. The people in his environment were so accustomed to hear his jokes, his predictable sayings, his kindness and lightness. In others' eyes, he was a superficial person without any depth. In her eyes he was a lawyer, a bourgeois, an average home owner and she was a young woman who just started her life. She only saw his jokes and permitted some light flirt. She forgot him, he. Her life went on. She met people, made new contacts and more contacts, she had her challenges and years passed. Her youth past and she became an adult and together with that, her wish to settle down.

After the wedding there is a child and a home is to be purchased. A contract has to be signed with the aid of a lawyer. It was not difficult for her to turn to him and the renewal of the relationship was nice and light-minded. He showed sympathy and willingness to help. His wish to assist the young couple was far more than actually required, but nice to know that there exist people who are willing to make extra efforts. The world looks nicer, warmer and more humane when you know that there are people who are willing to reach out a hand without charging.

More years passed, the family expanded, already four children playing at home, making life and enrich lives. For another five to ten years, career takes a flight.

One day she met a person who, unintentionally, came in contact with the court, with a judge. She did not know that he had become a judge. Fate let them meet once more, but the distance was big. She heard about the many presentations in court. The proximity, the distance was an amusing thought.

And then one day a letter came. The court. Presentation. Together with the person and those of the opposite side. On Friday, does the court work on Friday? But this was comfortable, at least no working day lost. Everybody was there, the person and the other side. They were the only people in court, more or less. The secretary showed up and well, the judge climbed the stairs.

Her excitement was great, would he recognize her from the past? A slight flush covered her cheeks as he approached her. Do you remember me, he asked. He her, not she him. Come inside, only you, the secretary was sent out. They sat together, smiles on both faces. How could I forget, you remember the house, the difficulties the general contractor made, he asked. Just for you I arranged, would not do it for anyone else. She sat silent, there was no need to reply, he needed to talk, about his wife, his children about his experiences as a judge, life in garbage, surviving, endless efforts. His face shone with happiness to see her again, being here with her, only he and she. He needed talking, he had no choice. He talked with her, against her, almost without pausing. About this little trip which suddenly enabled he had not even dreamed. Twenty minutes passed, he was satisfied, being together with her in the place he loved. He let her go, his need to see her passed. The circle was closed. He would tell his mother that he met the student from once.


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